Right now, I'm in AP English III. I should be typing my short story... Instead, there are certain things I can't get off my mind. They aren't zombies, like they should be. I feel at once so complete and comfortable with myself... but like a bad person.

Am I a bad person? It seems to me.

I recently broke someone's heart to further my own happiness. I fell in love while I was in a relationship: I'm a cheater.

But I can't keep beating myself down, because deep down I know I did the right thing... And yet...

It bothers me, that I hurt someone so deeply; that I ever had to make such a wonderful person down... And I know he's still hurting.


The main thought I have is: All over me? Two wonderful, beautiful people... Both claimed to be in love with me. It baffles me, when I'm still learning to love myself.

I couldn't deny myself the feeling of that kiss again. I knew it was wrong when it happened, but "cheater" was the last thought going through my head. Electricity, passion... The idea that someone can kiss your lips, and you feel it in your stomach, shaking your legs, touching you all the way down to your toes - and I had never felt that before.

I feel like if I had denied myself that, I would have denied myself life.

Recently I have been opened, awakened... and in a way brought back to life. I was pulled out of the cold room I had built around myself with bricks of distrust and insecurity. He said that he made me a lover... And I wish that I could ease his distress and prove to him that I wasn't made A lover... I was made HIS lover. His fear of my leaving hurts me as much as I know it hurts him when I look into those dark, koala eyes.

I wish that I could prove that I couldn't leave him. I don't fit anywhere else quite as beautifully as I do there. We are the beasts of the forest, and we are few. There are only two of us, how could I leave that behind?


I'm in love in a way that is all encompassing. To have that questioned in a way this morning only reinforced that feeling which I know to be true. I am very completely in love, and I am not in love with the idea of that love, or the feeling of that passion or the idea of making love at all.

I feel because I am, and I do not fall in love with ideas.

This is real, because if it weren't it wouldn't have been painful. It is real because I say so, and there is not one soul that can tell me different from what I myself know to be true.

I feel much better now.

I am simply living, and I have to let myself feel.

When the soft pads of your fingers

( You never could achieve a working man's hands ) 

Brush against my hip bone

That artistically arranged expanse... 


I consider to myself

Getting over our pasts 


I consider to myself

Grumbling murmurs,

Crackling through a cheap telephone

In the blanketing heat of that

Never ceasing garage

I consider this and I laugh

"But I got over it"




As the soft pads of your fingers

That will always be soft 

Trace over that one beautiful


                                                Line

I feel in that touch an

Aroused sense of curiosity

and a cooling fear

Teetering off the edge of where

I call myself by the name

- Don't worry, I can still see you - 


The regrets are nothing but the fireflies that gently light 

these rocks

Something to watch

To try and catch  



When the palm of your hand

- And your hands seem so big - 

Traces over the curve of my abdomen

I can only really think of how easy 

       it really is

To achieve that state of euphoria 


O, to hear you describe that curve.

Don't you just know my body so well?

And we are just made of clay



Made of clay and

Bad decisions

And as the hot breath on  the

Back of my neck

Lulls me into a fitfull sleep

I can't help but think


                                    That Forever won't be 


                                                                       Long enough

        So, looks like today is spent at home. I really wanted to see my friend again before he went back home to Oklahoma... But I understand that he's busy. I feel really gross, and there's a lot that I need to do. I need to clean my room (it's strayed from immaculate, and I can't deal) Take a shower, and organize some things. Maybe I'll work on my artwork that I've been putting off lately.

        My body feels grimy, and everything today is detached. I've been a ghost, wandering around this house with no real purpose since I've been awake. I don't think I've been outside and looked at the sunshine all day.

        Somebody needs to contact my sad ass, fast. I might just be forced to be productive.